Where are you God?
It was 6:00 am on February 12th; my baby girl was barely 2 days old. I held her in my arms, completely grieved and at a loss as to why we were sitting in a hospital room. A nurse walked in and I looked up at her, my eyes red from crying for so many hours.
“She is starving, isn’t she? That’s why she won't stop crying?” I already knew the answer! Of course she was hungry. She was a newborn and I had not been allowed to feed her for 9 hours already due to a potential blockage in her intestine. We were waiting to be airlifted to Vancouver Children’s Hospital and I wouldn’t be able to feed her until after the surgery. She went 18 hours without eating.
The nurse sheepishly made eye contact with me. “Yes dear, she is hungry.” Though I already knew the truth, her words slammed against my heart like a boulder and I couldn’t take the pain for one second longer. I started to hyperventilate; I couldn’t breathe. It hurt too bad--I had to
move, I had to get air. It all needed to STOP.
She took my baby from my arms and I collapsed on the bed sobbing uncontrollably. “God where are you?” I cry just typing this story as it was one of the worst moments of my life. It grieves me to know others can relate to this depth of pain.
My husband left me when I was 20 weeks pregnant with this baby. I spent 21.5 weeks mourning her, grieving for her life, questioning God of her existence. I had cried every day for this baby girl and in that hospital room I couldn’t help but think maybe all my stress and grief had caused this problem in her. Was I to blame?
The weight was insurmountable and I couldn’t cope with the burden of that answer. I didn’t understand why God was allowing this. Hadn’t she suffered enough?
God is Our Refiner
Have you ever been lost in desperate hopelessness? Have you ever questioned where God is in the wake of it?
Sometimes, as Christians, we don’t want to admit that we question God, or that we have doubts, or moments of wrestling. Some of Jesus’ last words were, “My God, my God, why have you forsaken me?” (Matthew 27:46)
This world can be ugly, it can be tough, it can knock us straight to our knees. And we are left saying, “My God, my God, why have you forsaken me?” It is in my wrestling, in my crying out in doubt that the Lord removes something in me that was muddying the truth of who he is. And it cements something inside of me that will no longer waiver.
It’s where he takes my unbelief and allows true belief to be rooted deep in my spirit. Hebrews 6:19 says, “We have this hope as an anchor for the soul, firm and secure. It enters the inner sanctuary behind the curtain.”
God does not want a surface relationship with you, and your trials will expose the depths of your faith. It is in these moments that the Lord can awaken, strengthen, and reveal something inside us that needs to grow. It is in the stirring and wrestling of our spirit that real faith is birthed and Christ will become cemented as our foundation.
Friends, where do you turn when you are in despair? Do you focus on your pain or the pain taker?
God is Our Restorer
We serve a savior who knows the depths of despair and has walked the broken road of suffering (Matthew 26:37-38). I want to encourage you today because although our Christ suffered and died, he also rose. Jesus’s reality was not death, it was the resurrection.
Your reality may feel like death, but Jesus came so that we may have life and have it abundantly. Your reality is freedom.
I often wonder what Jesus thought of as he walked out of the garden of Gethsemane: if he envisioned all the souls that would be saved, all his children finding freedom in his name, his holy spirit dwelling among us and sitting at the right hand of the Father.
What are you focusing on today? The battle you may have just fought might have been lost. But don’t lose hope, the war is already won. Good Friday was not good until Sunday.
I want to encourage you to keep going. We serve a God who trampled on death, who made a way where there was no way, and who encourages us to pick up our cross and follow him (Matthew 16:24-26)--not so that we will perish, rather that we will have life.
If you are hurting today, if you are in a place of turmoil, I invite you to dig deep with Christ. He isn’t afraid of your questions. He can handle your doubt. Go to the lord with your heavy burden and he promises to give you rest.
“Plant your roots in Christ and let him be the foundation of your life. Be strong in your faith, just as you were taught. And be grateful.” - Colossians 2:7-9
So many people tell me I am strong and I always feel like a fraud when I hear this. For if you knew the battle that I fight daily or the constant desperation for God, you wouldn’t see me as strong, but you would know God as my strength.
I can so relate to Paul in this verse: “I came to you in weakness with great fear and trembling. My message and my preaching were not with wise and persuasive words, but with a demonstration of the Spirit’s power, so that your faith might not rest on human wisdom, but on God’s power." (1 Corinthians 2:3-5)
We are not meant to walk this broken road alone; we need our savior, our ever-present help in times of trouble. Cling to him in this season, lay your burdens at the cross, and look up to where our hope comes from. God has a good plan for your life and you must dare to look beyond what you currently see.
I want to leave you with this promise from God:
Blessed is the man who believes in, trusts in, and relies on the Lord, and whose hope and
confidence the Lord is. For he shall be like a tree planted by the waters that spreads out its
roots by the river; and it shall not see and fear when heat comes; but its leaf shall be green. It
shall not be anxious and full of care in the year of drought, nor shall it cease yielding fruit.
- Jeremiah 17:7-8 (AMPC)
Much love to you,
This post was contributed by Kirista Berry. She is a homeschool mom of three who loves Jesus and seeks Him through all the good and bad that life brings her way. I hope you feel encouraged by the lessons she has learned as she seeks to grow closer to God even in the toughest circumstances. - Taryn xx